Long time no see on the blogging front. I’ve been planning on writing an update post but felt lost. I had a cry (what’s new lol) and then played Olly Mur’s 2010 album , called Olly Murs (10/10 for originality). And felt a wave of positivity which is a rare occurrence. But enjoy my ramble…
I’ve started to write this post a million times. Every single one has been a waffle of me rambling on about my depressing thoughts. I was halfway writing a post, the tears rolling down my face. Then I realised that sitting in my bed crying wasn’t going to change anything. And maybe the reason for my sad and down self is because I’m not making any change. I’ve been feeling the same down feeling about everything recently. It’s been a reoccurring feeling for too long. I’m currently on my summer holidays after getting through exams at school. So I’m going to try and get something out of it. Try and make myself cheer up and hopefully become less anxious about day-to-day tasks that I currently find challenging.
I feel like I’ve lost the old me. I know you change and that’s fine but I feel like they should be good changes. I’ve become such an anxious and boring person. I hold my hand up to say that I’m a moody arse. But I can’t help feeling down and shit in myself. So this is what I’m determined to change. I know I need to change my mindset and day-to-day life. Maybe it won’t work. But at least I can say I’ve tried. And I’m actually feeling quite positive about this so bare with me.
One thing I’ve learnt is that you can’t change yourself. Well at least I can’t. I’ve tried to change who I am but it’s not worth it because it didn’t really change how I felt. So I’m going to try and change my actions and the things I do.
My summer goals to try and find my spark;
- Join the gym. Okay I know, it’s cliche. But I want to join for a number of reasons. Firstly, I’m insecure about my body. I want to loose a little weight and feel good in myself. I know that I’m a healthy weight but I just dislike my body. So I want to join to feel good in myself. Secondly, it would be a very big barrier to overcome. Obviously I’m going to have to join on my own because I have no one to join me. So I’ll feel so proud of myself if I can go and beat my fear of going to the gym on my own. I’m so scared because I fear places that I’m not familiar with. But my plan is to go as soon as it opens so hopefully there will be less people. And if I join the gym, I really want to go for a morning swim as well as using the gym so fingers crossed.
- Improve my sewing. I got a sewing machine for christmas and haven’t fully made something on it yet. I’ve used it for my gcse work and for little touch ups on my clothes. But I want to practice and hopefully make some clothes throughout summer. I’m not that good but I’m taking a-level textiles so I want to try and improve.
- Work on my photography. I’m currently on the hunt to buy a film camera. Yes there have been tears when I’ve lost a bid on Ebay. I didn’t know how upsetting it is when someone outbids you in the last five seconds. Maybe I was just extremely hormonal but it was a rollercoaster. (There is a camera I have my eye on and the bid ends tonight as I’m writing this so I’m ready to win). I really want to work on my photography and I think it will be a good focus for shit days.
- Blog, blog and blog. This was a given but I want to give my blog full attention this summer. I really wanted to change my blog name but then talked myself out of it because to be honest I couldn’t be bothered. But instead of changing my name, my plan is to mix up what I post. I’m going to write less beauty posts as I’ve fell out of love with makeup and I don’t buy any new makeup. But I may write the odd couple if I have anything interesting. And I want to fill my blog with fashion posts as it’s my main interest. As well as maybe some lifestyle and food. I’m still a bit unsure but basically I’ll be posting about anything and everything. And I’m having no schedule. I’m going to post when I want, it might be four times a week or once a week.
- Ditch my phone. Not completely but I know I spend too much time on it. My phone screen is the last thing I see before I sleep and the first thing I see when I wake up. And I sit on my phone way too much throughout the day. And I don’t get anything out of it. I never have any important messages and it’s a waste of time. So I’m going to try and move my phone way out of sight when I go to sleep. Which I don’t know how it will work as I find it hard to get to sleep as I overthink and get anxious. So I always listen to music before I sleep. It calms my mind and I find it easier to sleep. But hopefully if I spend less time on my phone I can get to sleep easier.
- Find the joy in everyday. I have a diary which I write in everyday. It’s a book of negativity. In a way it’s helped as I don’t often have anyone to talk to so at the end of a bad day I can get out my thoughts. But then it’s bad because it can make me dwell on the negatives as I read over them. So I’m going to try and find the positives in each day and write them down instead. And I know this sounds so cheesy but if you’re someone who struggles with everyday life then you might understand how hard it is to find some positive in each day.
So they’re so far my main goals. I hope I can look back on my current self and feel happy that I’m no longer the person I am. I just want to feel happy in myself and content with my life. Hopefully I can overcome my anxious self and I hope that the thoughts in my brain will one day shut up and allow me to loose my fear of everyday life.
I feel better that I’ve wrote this and I shall return with some posts that have more significance than this ramble.
Big shoutout to Olly Murs and his 2010 hit of ‘Change Is Gonna Come’. You’ve inspired me to be positive. I hope it lasts.